The girls who went away : the hidden history of women who surrendered children for adoption in the decades before Roe v. Wade

The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler is an important book. Every public, college, and high school library should have a copy (or two) and consider it for book discussions. It should be added to core lists for collection development. It should be reviewed and displayed. It's that important.Between the end of World War II and the Supreme Court decision of Roe v. Wade, there were approximately one and a half million adoptions in the United States, according to the author. Young unwed mothers supplied most of the babies. The often-repeated story is that they "gave them up." Fessler disagrees. She has interviewed many "birth mothers" who say they were forced by their parents, the adoption agencies, and the courts to release their babies. No one ever informed them of their rights, which they did have if they had known, and no one ever offered to help them keep and raise their children. Instead, they were told that they were unworthy of their children and that if they gave up their children, they would soon forget them.The unwed mothers have not forgotten their children. It is not normal for mothers to forget their children.There is more to the story. Many of the young women had no sexual instruction and birth control advice before their pregnancies. Once they were hidden in maternity homes, they were given no birthing instruction. When labor began, some were sent in cabs to hospitals, where they admitted themselves and went through childbirth alone. Often they were sedated and woke to find their babies gone. Some never saw their children and were threatened with large medical bills if they did not sign the legal documents.The women are not all in high school or college. The story of Linda I is particularly sad. She was a military nurse during the Vietnam war, who had many soldiers die in her arms. One of the survivors proposed marriage to her and she accepted. When she discovered she was pregnant, he confessed that he was already married. She was treated very badly by the rudely, discharged, and gets no pension today.The Girls Who Went Away is not just a book about a period of our history. Much of the book is about the present, as the mothers and children try to find each other. Flessner includes many reunion stories. In most of these families are reunited and extended joyfully, but in some misunderstanding and resentment remain. Flessner also tells about the large number of women who still have not found their children. Many suffer low self-esteem, alcoholism, drug abuse, and the inability to maintain relationships. Others have lived model lives trying to make up for their past failures. Many have still not come out of the "closet of shame."The Girls Who Went Away is not a quick read. It includes the stories of eighteen birth mothers, each story being between five and fifteen pages. In nine chapters there are portions of interviews from forty-eight other women. Flessner also includes the story of her adoption and search for her mother. The book requires commitment to read, but it is hard to put down once you start.

As an adoptee in the mid-to-late 1960's, I had absolutely no idea what the young mothers at that time had to battle.  I was brought up with the idea that my birth mother was only 13-14 years old and thought she couldn't raise a child on her own.  As readers of this book will find, this was often-times the lie that was told that was the most believable, therefore making it "ok" to force young mothers into adopting out their children.

Ann Fessler brings to light the stories of several women who, at various ages during the 1950's and into the early 1970's, found themselves unwed and pregnant.  As I read this book, I found myself in between chapters either sobbing uncontrollably, or wanting to put my fist through a wall.  The way the "system" treated these girls is incomprehensible to me.  Tearing at my heart were the similar stories from one woman to another, being told after the birth that you must spend a week nursing the baby, but that it's too late to change your mind and you must sign the adoption papers.

There were homes like the one my birth mother found herself in that took in these girls once they started to "show," most of them far from their homes and without their family's support.  When they were allowed out in public, they went as groups and sometimes were made to wear wedding bands so they appeared to be married.  Once they went into labor, some were left alone in the hospital rooms, another was told she could not have any medication until she relinquished her parental rights.

At the end of the book, there are resources listed to help adoptees and their birth families reunite.  As a librarian, it is in my nature to be a "detective" of sorts and I had looked for my birth mother years ago, but after having read this book, I wondered if everything my adopted parents had been told about her was really true.  My gumption got the better of me, so I went to the public library in the town where she gave birth to me and within about 3-4 hours of searching through old issues of the local newspaper on microfilm, I found my maternal grandfather's obituary with my birth mother's married name, which I did not have until then.  The obituary was over ten years old, so it would be dumb luck if she was still around.  After checking the last several years of a local city directory, I found her place of business and gave her a call.  I didn't tell her at first who I was, but simply told her I was doing some geneology on my birth family and some documents I came across led me to her and her family.  She stammered around a bit, said she didn't know who I could be looking for, but kept talking to me for about 20 minutes or so after that.  I, myself, was starting to doubt that maybe it was her afterall, so after the call ended, I wrote her a letter.  In it, I explained who I really was and who I was really looking for.  I told her where it was I worked, told her about my wonderful parents and the good life they gave me, and that I was just curious about where I came from.

About a week later, she called me and said she felt we needed to talk.  We met at a local fast-food restaurant and she confessed that she was my birth mother and that I really threw her for a loop.  She said she had to get away for the weekend to go "clear the cobwebs out of that part of her memory."  We talked for the longest time and when I told her that my parents were told she was only 13-14 when she had me, she replied, "give me SOME credit--I was 16!"  This first meeting was in August 2006 and we've been meeting every couple of weeks since then for lunch.  Although her other children and remaining family do not know either that I exist or that we found each other, just becoming friends at this point in my life is more than I could have ever dreamed of.  It was always a wish of mine since learning at the age of four that I was adopted to just see her.  Getting to hear the adventures of my half-sibblings and their children is definitely a plus.

I would like to thank Ann Fessler for taking the time to document these women's stories because I, for one, really didn't know, although I thought I did, how it really was back then.  I urge anyone who was adopted back then to read this book.  If you were adopted and had the "I don't care about my birth mother" attitude, or you are like me and thought you knew what happened, you need to read this book.  I also urge anyone who has a parent who had given up a child back then to read this as well.  I'm sure there are those children out there who may be angry to find out they have an older sibbling they were never told about, but I think once you read this book and understand the mentality back then, you will reconsider.